I am a college student who has experienced several various mentally challenging roadblocks. My mental and health issues stemmed from a previous eating disorder. I have experienced stages of anxiety, depression and eating disorder relapses. My own self harm also resulted in medical conditions that I will live with and need to be treated for for the rest of my life. On days when I am feeling low, I like to write. I never usually share my writings but today, I feel that submitting the following passage will give me a sense of relief. I encourage others experiencing road blocks in their path towards recovery to write. Write whether you want to keep it for yourself or share it like I am.
“Have you ever felt so ashamed and disappointed in yourself that you can not even face a mirror? Have you ever felt so engulfed in your own thoughts that you want to scream so loud that no one, except God, can hear you? Have you ever felt so alone that you contemplated contacting someone for hours, just hovering your finger over call or send.
This is normal for me, because, what would I even say? Help? Yeah, they might become worried, but damn do they not have the slightest clue what is running through my head. Where would I even begin to explain? I would never wish my self-thoughts to be heard by another. I am pathetic. The things I say to myself are disgusting. I am in no hurry to receive feedback for my pain.
What would they even say to me? It would easily be a pity plea. It’s not their fault; it’s no ones but my own. Which is why I can not explain my thoughts. I’d rather weep in them alone.
So what can I say? I messed up. I’ve messed up a million times. Will I ever be able to get over this? God only knows. I ask him why I put myself through this. I don’t even think He knows. Why do I care so much? Why do I see myself this way? Why am I sitting here avoiding all my priorities to type a letter no one will ever see? Lord knows.
I just want to be happy. Happiness is all I desire.
I am screaming on the inside. Screaming for help. Screaming for someone to talk to. I can not even explain the countless attempts I have tried to make myself feel better. Nothing helps. Nothing works. I have completely lost all hope.
I hide my roaring thoughts. Some days more than others. But right now, in this moment, I can not hide them any longer.
Should I send this to someone? Can anyone relate? I cannot focus on anything, except my own self-hate.”