Category Archives: Tell Your Story

Write for Health

This post was submitted by a reader.
I am a college student who has experienced several various mentally challenging roadblocks. My mental and health issues stemmed from a previous eating disorder. I have experienced stages of anxiety, depression and eating disorder relapses. My own self harm also resulted in medical conditions that I will live with and need to be treated for for the rest of my life. On days when I am feeling low, I like to write. I never usually share my writings but today, I feel that submitting the following passage will give me a sense of relief. I encourage others experiencing road blocks in their path towards recovery to write. Write whether you want to keep it for yourself or share it like I am.

“Have you ever felt so ashamed and disappointed in yourself that you can not even face a mirror? Have you ever felt so engulfed in your own thoughts that you want to scream so loud that no one, except God, can hear you? Have you ever felt so alone that you contemplated contacting someone for hours, just hovering your finger over call or send.

This is normal for me, because, what would I even say? Help? Yeah, they might become worried, but damn do they not have the slightest clue what is running through my head. Where would I even begin to explain? I would never wish my self-thoughts to be heard by another. I am pathetic. The things I say to myself are disgusting. I am in no hurry to receive feedback for my pain.

What would they even say to me? It would easily be a pity plea. It’s not their fault; it’s no ones but my own. Which is why I can not explain my thoughts. I’d rather weep in them alone.

So what can I say? I messed up. I’ve messed up a million times. Will I ever be able to get over this? God only knows. I ask him why I put myself through this. I don’t even think He knows. Why do I care so much? Why do I see myself this way? Why am I sitting here avoiding all my priorities to type a letter no one will ever see? Lord knows.

I just want to be happy. Happiness is all I desire.

I am screaming on the inside. Screaming for help. Screaming for someone to talk to. I can not even explain the countless attempts I have tried to make myself feel better. Nothing helps. Nothing works. I have completely lost all hope.

I hide my roaring thoughts. Some days more than others. But right now, in this moment, I can not hide them any longer.

Should I send this to someone? Can anyone relate? I cannot focus on anything, except my own self-hate.”


A reader

Life Sentence: Life behind bars of the Mental Healthcare system

This post was submitted by a reader.
I received my ‘life sentence’ from a Montana psychiatrist at the tender age of 22. I was diagnosed with Bipolar because I had what he called a ‘chemical imbalance’ in my brain and would need to take medicine to treat it for the rest of my life. At the time I was struggling to deal with the aftermath of two very violent rapes. One at the age of 13, the other at 19. I trusted this psychiatrist, never questioned him, or his authority. He was educated. I was not. Due to severe side effects, adverse reactions, and constant withdrawal symptoms from ALL the psychiatric drugs  approximately 75 over time) I became ‘stuck’ in the revolving door of psychiatric hospitals, emergency rooms, ICU’s, and jails for the next 35 years from psychiatric drug- induced: mania’s, crippling depressions to the point of at least 15 suicide attempts – 2 resulting in coma, Klonopin induced anxiety developing into chronic panic attacks and finally full-blown agoraphobia when I’ve never experienced this before, excruciating migraines, self-hatred, social isolation, increased alcohol use to combat the akathesia, the loss of self, anger, rage, and violence. And then my Mental Healthcare workers told me it was ‘just fine’ to cold turkey from my Klonopin after 10+ years of use never mentioning one single withdrawal symptom I may experience. I was left to endure the mental torture of this withdrawal at my home, alone. I developed all the classic symptoms: light, sound sensitivity, hallucinations, sweating, anxiety/panic so extreme I didn’t know the human mind could tolerate it or survive, heart palpitations, no sleep for 5 continuous days, psychosis so severe that I had no contact with Reality (at all) as I once knew it and seizures. I also became catatonic. I prayed for death every second of every minute of every hour of everyday for 6 weeks. I was denied access to my psychiatrist. Protocol was through our therapist who I tried twice only to be told “No, you have to wait until your next scheduled appointment”. I told her I wasn’t going to last that long, and I didn’t. Due to the extreme psychosis I ended up in the psyche hospital and then the ER after being in this anxiety/pure panic/psychotic state of mind with no sleep for five continuous days my body began shaking uncontrollably and I didn’t know how to get it to stop. I later filed a ‘Recipients’ Rights’ case against them for ‘neglect of care’ which was DENIED because I signed a simple one-page Klonopin consent form the year before that didn’t list any withdrawal symptoms. Because my Mental Healthcare wouldn’t help me determine ‘what the hell I just went through for 6 long horrific, torturous weeks’ (my K-pin withdrawal – 50 symptoms) if it was Benzodiazepine withdrawal or Serotonin Syndrome I decided to get off my Effexor, Trazodone, & Lithium because I knew I would never, ever survive another ‘what ever that was’ again,and I believed it could be nowhere near as traumatic as my K-pin withdrawal. I was very wrong. Still no mention of withdrawal symptoms from workers I saw every week. Once again, the classic symptoms introduced
themselves: brain zaps, severe flu like symptoms, every muscle in my being ached, chronic insomnia (2 hrs of sleep a night for 5 months. When I was able to sleep it was only terrifying nightmares.) the ungodly uncontrollable mental anguish of the ‘crying spells’ that pharmaceutical companies downplay for 5 long months, suicidality, mania, depression, compulsive-obsessive thinking, anger, rage, violence along with a host of other symptoms, but this is the most horrifying symptom I developed – homicidality. I sat at my kitchen table for months planning out this mass shooting that I knew I was going to die in. In fact, in my psychotic mind, it was not only OK, it was expected. I was a 57 year old grandmother of 9 grandchildren at the time. I should not have to know what it feels like to become a killer, let alone a mass killer. My brain became so impaired, disabled, and ragefully psychotic from these withdrawals that it’s a miracle I didn’t find a gun. I did put myself in a psychiatric hospital because of this where I begged them to treat me without using psychiatric drugs, only they didn’t see it that way. I was ‘Court Ordered’ to take Risperdal, Cogentin, Neurontin & Ambien and in this drug induced mental state my house burns to the ground and I’m left homeless. It’s been 2 1/2 years since my Klonopin withdrawal. 1 1/2 years since my Effexor, Trazodone & Lithium withdrawal so I’m off ALL psychiatric drugs although I do have extensive cognitive impairment, but I have my own feelings, thoughts and behaviors back. I literally started my life over at the age of 57. I am now 59. And isn’t it amazing that since I stopped taking my medicine the revolving door into the psych hospitals, ER, the Intensive Care Units and jails has miraculously stopped – completely. Our psychiatrists have no idea how we suffer at their hands. They refuse to acknowledge us, listen to us, or even believe what we tell them because, after all, according to them, “What do we know? We’re mentally ill.”


Bipolar 2 research

This post was submitted by a reader.I am a 58 year old male.

I was born into a dysfunctional family with issues of shame and guilt.  I believe that this affected my psychological state. I had severe Asthma and I was unintentionally put in front of an open fire and out in a cold street in my pram where I was exposed to leaded petrol car fumes.This was very traumatic possible PTSD. we also had a long haired dog. All these things were my triggers for asthma for years to come.  We were a poor family in those days and would eat a lot of bread.Flour etc. I had skin prick testing for my Asthma allergies and was sensitive to most things.

I had the symptoms of Attention deficit disorder which ruined my education, I never learned to punctuate and anything other than basic maths was a complete mystery to me. after asking the teacher to explain things for the sixth time I would give up out of embarrassment. I was shy and withdrawn and did not communicate at family gatherings.

My concentration problems continued into my working life where I lost jobs because I would make regular mistakes or just sit there in a daze unable to work.I loved music and put this before my work.I could not grasp how to read music and was self taught.

I could never get up in the mornings for school or work.  and was constantly sleepy and unable to concentrate. In 1986 I met a girl who was an only adopted child she was needy and when she asked me to marry her I agreed. I am a people pleaser.  I do things to make others happy.  we were together for 7 years and my health was much better probably due to good nutrition which was her career.  I was turning into a workaholic trying to please my wife who wanted a baby and my employers.

I was hailed as the best manager in the company. I worked so hard and then became irritable and told my boss to fuck off when he criticized me. I told him if he could do a better job then he was welcome to do it. I started to binge eat on bread, knocked a wall down in my house and became psychotic.My doctor thought I was having a nervous breakdown and told me to take time off work.

My boss told me that this was unacceptable and I was to continue working to the same high standard. I saw a solicitor who told me I had a very good case against my employers I knocked a wall down in my house thinking I wanted a spiral staircase !.I crashed into a deep depression and was sleeping 18 hours a day un restorative sleep.  I could only crawl out of bed to eat and the most convenient thing was bread !.

My wife told me that our marriage was over and that I should leave the house. I returned to my parents house in Norfolk to rest.

It took me four years to return to relative health where I would spend time in the garden relaxing.

I tried to work in a factory doing night shifts but soon became driven and irritable I was still people pleasing. I became agitated and soon left exhausted.

In 1999 my father bought me a house where we would take in lodgers to help pay the mortgage one of those lodgers became very attached to me as we were both musicians. When his band fell apart he started having jealous  Narcissistic rages against me.  I started binge eating on bread again. I asked my father to get him to leave but he refused saying he was a good payer.I should have been more assertive. I started researching his behaviour on the internet. He would run around the house and was hyperactive I came across Narcissist. I was scared out of my life !. He would shout at me. “look at me Look at me ”  He told me he could not understand why eytt people did not want to be like him. I cracked and replied. you work in a factory and you ride a bike. why would anyone want to be like you ?.  He continued his tyrade.  I don’t like you talking to girls I like. I don’t want you playing in a band coz that’s what I want to do.  I don’t want you spending my rent money on things you like !.

I became depressed and started sleeping for up to 16 hours a day.  He seemed almost pleased that I was out of the way. I asked him to calm down as he was making me ill.A friend of mine told me that he had asked him to help him undermine me. We asked him to leave the house. I went to the doctor who told me that he could find nothing wrong with me. I believe that I was suffering from Post traumatic stress disorder.

I had made lots of notes as to what had been going on and was hopeful I would get some answers.  eventually the doctor referred me to a psychiatrist who did not have the time to read my notes and said I had Bipolar 2 and was all over the place. I wasn’t. He agreed that I should have psychotherapy before being put on drugs.  I waited fourteen months but was then told that the treatment was not available. I went to see my local mp who got involved. but nothing happened.

Eventually I was put on 5mg of Olanzapine which just made me very sleepy and gain 4 stone in weight. I had suspected that I had seasonal affective disorder because I had some relief from my symptoms in summer. In previous years I had felt great in the sun but now when I went on holiday I just slept and slept.. after ten years of depression I became desperate. I could not face another winter.I agrred with my dentist to have all my teeth removed because I was incapable of looking after them so I asked my doctor to give me an anti depressant. she refused probably being afraid it would cause hypomania.  I decided to take matters into my own hands .  I took 400mg of SAM-e a natural anti depressant for ten days and went hypomanic. when I stopped all my depressive symptoms were gone. I was sleeping for 7 hours a night and I felt great.!.

I had read that bipolar 2 was caused by food intolerances and Candida albicans. with my new found energy I decided that I needed to loose some weight as I was 19 stone 6 I cut out grains, sugar and dairy from my diet and started a candida detox and diet.. after a couple of weeks I decided to try the SAM-e again and guess what ?  No hypomania !. I contacted prof Nick Craddock of Bipolar research and asked him how could this be ?  I have been asked to join in Bipolar research. After another couple of weeks I had an enormous amount of black stools and my stomach became very sensitive to several foods.  It would seem that I had been gluten intolerant all my life

I could now concentrate ,read books and it was noticed that I seemed to have had an intelligence,personality and vocabulary transplant. So this was what it was like to be normal !.I continue to have problems with my diet and issues with constipation. I am currently having the most stressfull time of my life as my father 94 wants to die and my sister has terminal bowel cancer. There is no sign of psychosis. I am experiencing anger and headaches but these are just normal signs of stress.

Never give up hope

best of health to you all.


A Reader

Another Life Story

This post was submitted by a reader.


As third born of four children, I was pretty much invisible. My brother, 3 years older than me, would come home from school and we would play school and he would teach me everything he learned that day. I was five, he was eight. I idolized my big brother. I followed him everywhere.

When I was in the first grade, my brother died, my parents got a divorce, a new man moved into the family, and we all moved to another city. For a six year old, it was just too much for me. I became a total introvert. I seldom spoke at home….only when asked a direct question. My sisters…one four years older, one four years younger …. totally ignored me. Both my sisters were pretty and popular, but not very bright. (I was the exact opposite.) They both flunked a grade….older sister flunked 7th grade, younger sister flunked 3rd grade… does someone flunk 3rd grade? They went to 9 different schools, just like I did….but I had a hard time always being the new kid in class.

My only escape was school. Because of playing school with my brother, I absolutely loved school. I was fascinated about everything and truly enjoyed learning….until the 5th grade. That year….my teacher humiliated me twice.  Once was my fault and I do know that…..but I was also only 10….the other was a perceived humiliation, but it was enough to silence me. After that, I rarely raised my hand in class. I became invisible at school. Oh, if the teacher called on me, I would answer, but I wouldn’t volunteer anymore. I still loved school and  learning, I just never talked to anyone. Just like at home.

When I was 12, I was informed by my older sister that I was ugly. And when I tried to deny it, she would slap me. It was a hard lesson to learn, but no one has ever contradicted her. It was reinforced pretty much daily…there were days I thought I must be the ugliest person in the world. It was also made clear to me that no matter how hard I tried….no matter what I did…..I would never be special. Everyone else was special, but I was not. I had no choice but to accept it. I will spare you the examples, but trust me, there were many.

In the 9th grade, I became a DUFF. (I love the name of that movie…it finally gave a name to my role in life.) It only lasted two years. I thought they were my friends, but they really weren’t. I was just the comic relief.

In October of my senior year, I left home and got my own apartment. My apartment was $45 a month and my paychecks from the café I were I was a waitress was about $25 a week. I usually made enough in tips to buy my lunch at school the next day. I ate breakfast (a donut) and supper at the café every day but Sunday. I had about $100 in my checking account when I left home and it was pretty much gone after I bought sheets and towels and blankets, etc. I had a single place setting of china…from opening my bank account….and I borrowed one place setting of silverware from the café. I finished school…and I am the ONLY one in my family to graduate from high school. My mother only made one comment to me that day….and it sure wasn’t “Congratulations!” (It was….”Couldn’t you have done something with that hair?”)

Just a side note….I was molested by my father and grandfather and beaten by my mother….which also reinforced my withdrawal from life. One thing about being an abused child….you learn how to shut down and go to a safe place mentally. (I learned later it’s called transcendental meditation.) After I lost my virginity to my first love…..I was raped several times. I didn’t tell anyone….I knew no one would believe me. It would be my word against theirs, and no one would believe the ugly girl. I was just glad they didn’t hurt me physically and this is where the transcendental mediation really came in handy. I just zoned out…it was the only way I could cope. At one point, I got so low….one month I had sex with several men….and then I finally realized that if I got pregnant, I would have no clue who the father was. Fortunately, I didn’t get pregnant, and that behavior stopped and was never repeated.

My mother was very opinionated; a bigot; and would be nice and pleasant to your face and say horrible things about you behind your back; and she made us lie for her. I knew it was wrong and it was very disturbing to me and I tried very, very hard to be the opposite, but it wasn’t always easy when you are raised that way and it’s forced upon you.

One facet of my life that I have never been able to understand is apparently the expression on my face does not mirror what I am feeling. So many times I have been asked….”why are you mad”….and I am not mad at all! How my expression is not how I am feeling is beyond my comprehension. I have been told I look mad, or mean, or whatever….and those are not emotions I have at the time. All I know for sure….is when I am concentrating intently, it shows on my face as something else.

So I never had any friends….because I never talked and it was rare for anyone to talk to me. And I am lacking in the social graces because I was humiliated, ridiculed, laughed at or ignored first by my classmates and then by my co-workers. It almost seemed that to offer me a compliment….about anything….was something that was pretty much impossible for anyone to do. Would it have been the end of the world for someone to say, “Nice job”? Yes, I was proud of myself….but it was hard to feel good without any support. Some of my employers appreciated my intelligence; some only cared that I could type fast. Some of my employers were good, most were not and it seemed they were actually trying to keep me down. (My Annual Reviews would concentrate on one or two bad days….not the hundreds of days I did great work….but the couple I had a hard time.) But I kept my mouth shut as much as I could and kept my head down and did my work as well as I could because that’s all I knew how to do. And after all, it’s not like I am special or anything.


A Reader

Need Advice for my Troubling Life

This post was submitted by a reader.I have been struggling with bullying since middle school and I find it hard.  I will start from the beginning. I started getting bullied in middle school because i looked different. I decided to create coping skills, like watching anime and playing video games.  Indeed these skills helped me get through hard times when i was young. Middle school was bad. I experienced friendship lose, but it was out of my own stupidity. I was left alone and struggling in school.

When I reached high school I made my first best friend and we stayed friends for only 9th grade year.  I began to get attached and needy. I am a jealous type and that’s what caused our friendship to break on top of calling her a name out of anger.  I will not get into details about the name. Although, i had other friends who liked me.  My ex-best friend decided after a week of weeping to bully me.  She would shout out that I was unattractive and spread rumors about me.  My friend at the time was also friends with her and obsessive.  She would continuously talk about her and we always got into arguments.  Our first split was bad.  We eventually became friends again, but she had a habit of going on random rage fits.  The second one sent our friendship into splitsville. The other friend I had was actually mentally ill and our break up was over me telling him how unstable his emotions where.  Deep down I felt that he was embarrassing to be around because everyone laughed at us, did not like him, and thought he was a know-it-all.  By the way he suffered from bipolar disorder, social anxiety disorder, and panic disorder.  The other friend also suffered from a syndrome called Asperger’s.  I will not reveal names.  I was also sexually assaulted by my friend who shall remain nameless.  I don’t want to get detailed in the things he did to me, but I ended up going to the police.  However, he continued his pursuit and I remained powerless because he was so strong.  On top of all this I still experienced bullying in my accounting class.  After graduation I ended up feeling bad for what I did to my friends, so i called both of them and rekindled our relationship.  I did not rekindle my relations with my ex-best friend.  I hated her so much at the time.  I was so mad i threatened to stab her.  Of course i never did because I was so scared to. I ended up researching her all over social media like a stalker.  I wanted to get revenge so bad. I use to have rage fits and couldn’t stop thinking about her for 2 years.  In high school I kept wondering why people bully me, why me? and i gave up religion.  I started cutting myself and went through an emo faze.

I went to college close to home and still struggled with bullying.  People just didn’t want to accept the way i looked, but I did meet 3 friends that did.  I started to become an Adventist.  However, that friendship didn’t last because one friend talked to me about our other friend.  I then started to avoid all three because they all had issues and i didn’t want to deal with high school problems in college.  I was even more alone and I didn’t get along with my roommate because she always starred at me and talked about me to her friends.  I even took it far enough to sleep in a hospital or on a bench in a building.  I was failing badly at the school and ended up moving back home.  I went to a psychiatrist, but a terrible one and the pills just gave me severe headaches.  Then after 3 months i went to a college in west Virginia.  I dealt with the same issue.  My roommate was also religious and I began to join the school bible study.  I developed a nice relationship with my roommate.  I also faced bullying at this school.  I ended up going to a psychiatrist but the pills didn’t do any good.  They actually made me crazier.  I started experiencing hallucinations, night terrors and bipolar moods.  I was also failing at this school.  My relationship with my roommate ended quickly because I knew she would get with her husband on the phone and talk about me while i was asleep.  I would leave early in the morning and walk to a secluded room away from people.  I ended up getting kicked out of school because I brought something i shouldn’t have out of defense.  I felt so alone and needed a friend. I wondered why people bullied me for my appearance and not other people who were just as different looking.  I even went to the police to report the bullying and they talked with the bullies, but it didn’t work.  I left the school and now attend a community college close to home.  I still get bullied and no one seems to accept the way i look.  I have found the anime club I joined recently, but people are still not accepting me for my appearance.  I only have one person i talk to and I don’t even feel she is my friend because she seems to be uninterested in me.

I also struggle with family issues.  All through high school my relations with my family began to get bad.  I would argue back and forth with my brother, aunt and mother.  I still remember her calling my features funny looking and showing favoritism towards my brother.  My aunt recently told my brother “oh you have brown eyes” and she looked at me and made a “hmmpf” noise as to say your not pretty.  I think the things that are happening to me are driving me closer to insanity. As i think of these things i am having rage fits. I have even told them I get bullied and my mom doesn’t want to believe me. My aunt thinks I’m unattractive and talks about me to other family members over the phone. I once heard my brother talk to his friend and say “I can’t help the way i look” and when I asked him about that conversation he got anxious and scared. He wasn’t able to look me in the eyes and tell the truth. I now suffer from depression, social anxiety disorder, panic attacks, and according to psychiatrist bipolar disorder. I really feel like my parents don’t love me. My mother even said that “she wants me out the house because we don’t get along”, but my brother can stay.


A Reader

Depleted to Undefeated: PTSD and Me

This post was submitted by a reader.

The basis of my story is rooted in my own, unique experience with medical and psychiatric treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This writing is not intended to convince or influence the necessity or use of mental health professionals. Rather, it is my perspective of what did, is, or will contribute to my personal journey towards a permanently healthier mental state.

Coping with and witnessing the sudden, horrific death of my husband led, eventually, to a diagnosis of PTSD. One day I was a content and peaceful wife, mother, and church member. Suddenly, my world turned into a nightmare when my husband was diagnosed with a condition known as Toxic Epidermal Necrolysis (TEN). Basically, it is a disease in which the body sheds its skin. It is a rare disease, most often caused by an adverse reaction to a prescription medication (as was the case with my husband).

In my situation, the disease came on swiftly. My husband went from robust and healthy to death in thirteen days. While the disease was probably doing damage months before, it did not manifest itself outwardly right away. When it did, I watched, shocked and terrified, as he was skinned alive. The disease eventually took 90 percent of his skin along with his earthly life.

As the months passed, I began to have increasingly strange and dangerous thoughts and behaviors. I passed them off as normal grief and sadness until they began to be more frequent and bizarre, including intense suicidal ideations and attempts, despite a supportive family and faith based lifestyle. In my case, when the harmful behaviors became overwhelming, I decided to seek treatment, despite being raised in a community which frowned upon mental health treatment.

Close to five years have passed since these traumatic events occurred. During this time I have been in behavioral health therapy, psychotherapy, as well as taking prescription medication.  Additionally, I have been surrounded with excellent support and love from my close knit family. And although my faith has been damaged to some degree, I am on the road to whatever spiritual recovery is in my destiny.

I can most definitely say that I have recovered to the extent that my quality of life has greatly improved. Still, I continue to have the symptoms related to PTSD such as anxiety, flashbacks, panic attacks and the like. On the other hand, I am able to attempt to accomplish things, both small and large, that even the thought of such would have sent me into debilitating fear previously. For instance, I was able to write my memoir, PTSD and the Undefeated Me, earlier this year. However, the promotion of the book proves to be a challenge because of my symptoms.

The valid questions in my scenario include: Has psychiatric intervention, therapy, or medication been the cause of the progress I’ve made so far? Is it simply the passage of time that allows me to face new challenges? Are my loved ones and supporters the primary incentive for me to keep fighting? What about my spiritual beliefs; how does my weakened faith play a part in my wholeness?

I have concluded that my journey to wholeness is like a three legged table. My life is not as sturdy or structured as it can be, but I can achieve a certain balance using one of any of the above to prop it up.  Sometimes that fourth leg is family, friends, and my faith. Other times I find it necessary to reach out for professional help to get through a particularly rough time. As of this writing, I don’t discount any means of help. To me, they all contribute to my successes if I continue to maintain awareness of what I really need in any given circumstance. However, I can definitely say that my goal is to someday no longer need mental health services to maintain balance.

Sheila Kay ©2015

The way we were brought up and now

This post was submitted by a reader.

I have written before in this. I am hoping to make something all known for you who have worked hard for freedoms we may not always get. Also i have seen some anger from the members who rightfully get angry and want to get through to the people who are not getting what the drugs can do to many. it is not just about the meds with mental health. It is a big part, but see we need to have autonomy within mental health or it will be warring forever over the things that we were duped about in the beginning.

The way I was brought up was don’t ask don’t tell. And not the way it is used for the military. It is in effect the way it was back then in the family. I have seen what families can do to the mentally ill person within the family. it was a desperate time for all of us who were there in that time. I know that when I was told I had bipolar I did try to fit all the symptoms in little box so it made sense. I took the medications given to me then everything went from bad to worse. I was getting worse give more meds and then shock treatments when every med they threw in me was not supposedly helping. This is something I know others can relate to. I have a genetic condition that affects all meds I take but I am guessing most of the psych meds were going through the liver in a way it tripped up the genetic problem. That is the personal part to my seeing eyes. I can tell you the meds are crap to people who have this type of problem and no matter how many times we are told it is us, it is not us. It is the meds. You want to know what it is okay with me that this is what it is. It is not okay to me when I see others who take the meds and they have little problems that we see. it bothers me that I cannot just take a pill to help it. Most people got into the thinking of that and it expanded to all meds really. BUT I can say it is psych meds that get the most flack when it comes to not wanting to take them. We get how we don’t care about our mental health or we are being stupid you name it i had heard it. On top of that the govt has been getting nito this and we need them to help not penalize those who are trying to get better in ways we know might help if the meds do not. It is a sad time for those who just want a life not drugged to the point we cant talk right or we get tardive dyskenisia (sp not real sure tonight) I have had emotional issues since I was little. I have had a traumatic past that will curl the toes on some to know the whole truth of it. I do not disclose everything except it was bad and was severe abuse. That says it all. When I say what i say on this site it is experience and knowledge of what I learned as I was trying to come to terms with my own problems with meds and that it wont help me that much.

Now the here and now with psychiatry is ther is more than one way, but they are holding the non med stuff down some because, yes, drugs sell and it needs a psychiatrist to diagnose the illness to get the drugs we are supposed to need. After that then we are told of therapy as an add on to the meds. Some only really need the threrapy and there are man types to help. Why because there are varying degrees of what is needed for the person. We are all different no matter who or what tell us we can take the same things. it si not true and has been proven by genetics and other scientific matters. Who knows why we think we can just do all for one. The mind is more intricate than that. It has been known we are not all the same cloth. And to wrap it all in a big bow and say all fixed and then cut corners to get to the big bow sucks for people. it leads to two sides of every story when there is a third and more sound story that has both sides of the story equal within it. Well it could easy enough. The way i wrote it it looks easy. it is not. Add in people who were duped by all meds or nothing.

i am not even saying the meds do not help some. I have seen people it helped with, but the meds themselves can hurt anyone no matter if they help them or not taking it too long. The meds are like an infection to me. Foreign invaders and all the body wants is to defend itself from the foreign introduction. It is how i see ti for everyone to get and understand meds. Every med is a foreign substance that the body will defend itself from. Hence side effects and all this and that. Simply put when you put food in your mouth if it has something your body does not need it will get rid of it no matter how it has to. Food is essential for the brain and it essential for health and mental health. We get all the crap they spray on them and guess what we eat it and hope. All the toxins on the food or in it is expelled. if it is not the body will fight this and try to get it by any means necessary. I am sure even the pro drugs will get this. We cannot help how we were taught either. We relied on these people to be honest and it became so dishonest it is silly to think is is honest. Too many storied verified saying how they are hurting us.You cannot dismiss the stores because some of them have factual info in them. it does not stop the higher uppers take a mentally ill person life and just slam it to the wall by saying you have to or you will be penalized for real yo. Really guys. I had an emotional issue and a physical one. The physical issue was way more important than me going off and screaming because I had enough of the crap and I just blew the hell up. Well the police made me go to the er and it was listed under psych. I have adrenal tumors that are misdiagnosed and I have a disease called syringomeylia may have the rare second half of the whole shebang as well called Chiari Malformation. You want to know something these affect not only my moods, but it affects many other things including my blood pressure. I was being made to go for being crazy when I was calming down and my blood pressure was showing it. What messed me up is the way everyone looks at mental health like it is evil. Really if you look at it I am right. How many times i get upset about my treatment and what do they say it is my emotions that is the problem. No bother to look at my other issues they stop there and I get the never ending looks at oh man she is just nuts or insane. Guess what that is demeaning to the nth. It is worse them having cancer to me and that is a horrible disease as well. Yes I personally know about the ravages of cancer with a friend who had cancer cells everywhere. It was the worst thing to look at and i did not care o loved that she was smiling when she saw me and knew i would try to make it better. Well take how mental illness is treated and look at cancer. The physical crap and the meds used deplete the body so much. The drugs they use are hard core. The drugs we use some are that hardcore, but you only see it later on and they do not cause everything to look like they are hurting you at first. Some can kill you if you take too much, some can mentally make you psychotic when you normally are not. Enough said. I am sure i will get yelled at for what i said. The truth is who cares I know and the people who do know I feel for you. I am so sorry you get what I mean because it is sad to me hoe many people do know.

I know in this day we are still looked at violent when we we are not. Behaviors are not treated as they need to be treated with therapy and not so many drugs if they are needed. I know for sure i am not the only one who has a gentic issue with all meds. Yet is not well known. I know that if you have a disease that is so rare it is not caught at the get go, you get trated even worse then you were before. I got hit by a doctor because he was angry at me for what he said i was doing. He said Iwas faking it and it was horrble to lay in the er not being able to defend myself. This is the times of the now too. It is not just one doctor it is all doctors the doctors who do not know everything and are not boned up on rare anything are the worst especially if they feel that being a doctor means they know everything. The ego that wont quit. Pychiatrists are not the only ones who act dumb. For all the book learnig they are not experienced in it as a mental healt recipient is. They only learned about it. It goes so far beyond the neds issue too. Why they made it that way. The upper echelon doctors the govt who should have been more proactive instead of punitive. it sucks to no end to see that the people fall for the ones who need mental health to help them .They are the ones who need to take the frugs and see if they get along with them. They should be looked at the way we get looked. And if you are sick oh hell no do not even say it is the disease it is you.

To end all ends I may be angry at how i get treated and I am sure that when those who know what I have been through come out we can fight to have equality to know when to say yes or no to drugs. For it to be a choice we make and not forced. The Govt and the states who are for more punitive should should do exactly what you tell us to do. Take those meds you think are good for us and put yourselves in to the reality of what we see everyday. Not so much angry as feel like you call the shots in a free country. I get if they are violent, but that is when you penalize the person not before it happens. Leave the kids alone let them grow first before you decide to kill their growth. Done
and said. The before it was the same horrible look at the mentally ill the after is the same but so much worse. We did not get better we got worse in mental health and we should be able to defend who we are as people. By the by I will add one thing if they do kill or hurt most likely they are behaving with what they had learned. It is all learned behaviors that are shown to be the evil part of it. That may be emotions, but if you look at the serial killers who were caught they had many behaviors before they killed. Most mentally ill do not. That is a behavior issue of you see it. The depressed even have behaved this way due to being abuse or hurt severely. Believe me when I say this I do not say it jokingly. I have seen many sides of the mind and the broken ones by abuse or anything even if it si the brain that does it. It cannot be helped until you know the whole story. Please get it. And I am done for now. Let me see how it goes with the whole thing I said. I am not expecting anything that would not be expected. Thank you and good night.


A Reader

You Are Stronger Than What You Think

This post was submitted by a reader.






No, I’ve never used the services of psychologists, never took a
But I have felt under sudden Depression and Anxiety, like any of you.
Self awareness is necessary. To know when you are not acting
If we keep hoping for something to happen in an unrealistic way, on
denial, and at the end of the journey we cannot achieve that goal,
How do I beat it?
Redirecting my mind to most realistic goals.
Recharging my mind with optimism, remembering the beautiful things we
have achieved already.
Admiring Nature, the smile of a kid: LOVING.
Exercises help. Art too.
The most important thing?
Think you have come to this world with a purpose.
Think you can help others.
Feel like a champion who can accomplish everything.
And stay away from medication:
The cure is inside you, in your mind, in your soul…
Be strong!


A Reader

A Disease or a Decision? My Journey From Pain to Peace.

This post was submitted by a reader.I’m impressed with your site Phil. You are highly intelligent and an excellent writer. Some others here also state their thoughts in a clear eloquent fashion. This place is like a breath of fresh air. It’s not often I see critical thinking and logic employed.

I’ve dealt with depression, anxiety, and addiction most of my life.  I’m at peace today, after a long journey. Like millions, I was “diagnosed” with depression after a brief conversation with a “doctor” AKA “specialist”. As a kid, I had dysfunctional parents. Dad was detached and drank. Mom died when I was a baby, and as a teenager, I had a 2 year sexual relationship (my first) with my demanding narcissistic stepmother. My anger and shame was not addressed by the “specialist”, and I was given Prozac, which made me feel lifeless. For 20 years I used meth, cocaine, pills, and pot. I told people meth saved my life, because I believed I couldn’t tolerate my negative thoughts and feelings without it. I thanked God for meth.

For decades I accepted the Disease Theory of Addiction as fact, and believed I was screwed up. When I read the book, “Rational Recovery” (based in CBT) and learned addicts aren’t defective, but lacking some basic cognitive skills, I stopped using, quickly and easily. I learned I was fueling my depression with chronic negative thinking. It was a watershed moment . . . an incredible epiphany.

When I talk to people about defeating depression and addiction, they usually think I’m ignorant. We’re taught it’s not possible to defeat these mental challenges, AKA “diseases”. Like some of the anger on this site, I’ve been ridiculed as a fool and told I was irresponsible for claiming most mental challenges and self-harming behaviors are self-generated. Sobriety is a skill – a method of not obeying your thoughts. (I still desire drugs on an almost daily basis, but it’s no big deal)

I heard a lady with an eating disorder say, “I don’t know who I’d be without Anorexia”. Labeling oneself as defective is crippling. As we see with some comments here, once someone adopts the idea they’re defective, they’ll defend it like fanatics defend their religious and political beliefs. 12 Step members sober for decades still claim to be “alcoholics”. If you tell a 12 Stepper that defeating addiction is possible, they reply, “That’s the disease talking.” I believe the powerless philosophy of 12 Steps is disempowering. Imagine teaching children, “You are powerless over your temper tantrums.”

The most important concept I’ve learned = our thoughts create our feelings. It’s an ancient idea. Depression does not exist without negative thinking. Wallowing in negative thinking is optional.  I support CBT and emotional intelligence approaches. We are the conductor of our train of thought. It is a choice to buy a ticket and board the Train of Pain.

Like negative thinking, self-hatred (self-loathing) is neither abnormal nor a disease. There are many great books on the subject, for example the brilliant Theodore Isaac Rubin. If you think you don’t experience self-hatred, stand in front of a mirror naked and listen to your thoughts and the note the feelings that arise from them 🙂

Suicide is usually not a result of mental illness. Like all suicide victims, before killing himself, Robin Williams experienced a massive tidal wave of self-hatred and negative thoughts. He did not need medication, or expressions of love. He needed cognitive skills he was never taught.

Addiction, anxiety, rage, depression, and other mental challenges are passed down from generation to generation, but not due to genetics and “biochemical imbalances”. We pass on to our kids our inability to cope with our feelings. It is so important to learn to not take thoughts and feelings very seriously. As humans, our focus is our reality. Focus on crap, and you feel crappy. We feel stressed or sad.  So what? Why get angry about the weather? (which we complain about a lot!)

Pain is a normal part of life. We have a distorted view that life should be free of pain, and this causes us anguish. When we resist our sadness and anxiety, it becomes stronger. Negative reactions such as anger, resentment, blame, and jealousy are simply a refusal to accept things as they are.

As Neurologist Rick Hansen says, negative thinking, anxiety, and fear are natural highly adaptive evolutionary traits that helped our ancestors survive. Now, we view these traits as “bad” and insist they be eradicated. When we become anxious about our anxiety, it causes more anxiety, and the cascade opens the door to a “panic attack”, which “specialists” insist must be treated with Xanax.  We are being sold a load of crap, all in the name of science. BTW, I am a plant researcher with a degree in science and knowledge of genetics. I love science.

Regarding school shootings… These kids who kill do not have mental illness. None of the 9/11 terrorists had mental illness. Road rage murders, child abuse, and spousal killings are not due to mental illness. We need to discuss the real roots of violence. Ego plays a huge role in human behavior.

I was a big food binger when I was depressed. Overeating and obesity is not a disease. Cortisol is not the cause of getting fat. Genes don’t make anyone 400 lbs. We live in a culture of victimology. How often you hear someone say that chronic drinking or over eating are decisions? Since before Biblical times, overeating was called gluttony, but now it is called an illness.

I’m interested in feedback about my comments.


A Reader