My story starts over ten years ago when I was brought into the psych system by a ob/gyn dooctor who thought I needed some help with my mental health issues. I had just had my son and was probably just dealing with post partem depression, which can be lessened by medications or maybe other ways. I do not know if there were other ways, I was told I was bipolar and I needed medication. I will shorten the years to a few sentences if possible and say in the beginning there was a supposed light at the end of the tunnel of my depression. I was given meds once again and once again had a reaction to them within 3 years I felt suicidal every day and was taking more meds than I have ever taken in my life. I felt out of control of the situation with my feelings and asked so many times to take me down on the meds and off some of them if they could. No way I needed the meds. My condition was worsening. Really they worsened when you upped the meds not when they were lower. I had gotten diabetes during the time i was taking Zyprexa. I decided to not go for compensation because my family history had it with my mom and brothers. Well that sucked to tell the truth, I had not had until after taking Zyprexa for over a year. I even told the psychiatrist to be careful with the medication. I do not want to get diabetes. I did. she fluffed it off and said nothing really about it happening because of the said med. My son had to watch me feel so bad and depressed it hurt him seeing me this way. Then on top of that I had to while taking meds deal with an issue with my son for which i did the wrong thing and listened to others when I should have listened to my gut. He will forever remember that even though I tried I was not capable of doing much with the meds running through me. He figured it out after he got old enough to get it. I tried him on meds as per what was being tod to me by tachers and doctors. He ended up having much of the same issues with meds I have. He is no longer on any of the meds. I do not have custody of him and right now it is for the better, but in his eyes he thought i was a bad mother. I was on and off trying the meds during this time as well. My story is so full of the lies i was told about how they would help me. I was on two different meds this past year that were absolutely adding to my problems I have at this point. I have DDD (degenerative disc disorder) I am looking at surgery so far as I know on my neck. My moods have been worse for the wear, but when on medication the moods were far worse so bad that I asked my doc to look into it and find a way for me to help my moods without meds for now. I am not non compliant as was thought for several years. I got that label from an ER and this ER even went as far as saying I had conversion disorder and possible munchausens (sp?) disease. It was the DDD that was making it worse and they were unaware of it because they labeled me mental before they checked to see if I had a medical problem. They even thought that because where i have a herniation at it could make me feel like my heart was having problems except for the small matter of me saying if it is not the heart then what about my back. That hurts a lot too. I have been told I need meds even now, besides the fact that I have said the same thing over and over and over again…i cannot take the crap because it makes my mental status worse then better. I have PTSD for sure that I do know, but I question the bipolar on and off because it seems that it is like a secondary problem to the rest of my issues with my back and the PTSD issues that i have had not help with until now. I got very lucky to find a therapist who feels meds are not always going to help with what I have. This whole thing has gone on for more than a decade of telling the psych docs please do not raise the meds I feel worse and they say no it is the “worsening of the illness”. Really I think being 44 now I would be able to tell the worsening of my symptoms even with medical issues at hand. Help me I want to get back at all the doctors and psychiatric doctors for how much they hurt me instead of helped me. Non compliant is not what I am really, I am more worried about being suicidal than they are on the meds, then they act like I am bringing it on myself. Every so often it is me, but every day come on get a grip with this it is the meds. I am hopnig to be off medication for mental health and just have the right diagnosis for the right reasons and the right symptoms go with the right problem. I am not sure this makes a lot of sense, but i do know some of the so called “mental issues” are in fact partly due to medical issues. I know this for it is my body and I am quite aware of the pain going along with the feelings getting worse.
To anyone who is sensitive to medications side effects no matter what they are be strong and keep on helping yourself. it is hard and I have had many struggles with the wrong diagnosis. It takes a good hearted person to keep on track when the psychiatic and medical fields are trying to make mental illness a problem for just pills and pdocs. Not true, I am not better per ce, but i am getting my past in order and trying to see me better when I feel so horrible for being duped by supposed help. Do not let anyone say you are non comliant if you have real side effects, tell them until they get it. I finally am being heard by one pdoc ( i still have reservations though). All I ever wanted was to to be happy and healthy, I am not quite healthy yet, but working on it. No meds with the exeption of the anti anxiety which ido not take regularly for I need it not every day. I take a risk with this too. But a calculated risk i am aware of and no bull with it. Do advocate for yourself. if you cannot then find a trusted family or friend to help you advocate. if neither of those then look for a place who can. They are out there. Do not end up like I did non compliant and getting diagnosis out the wazoo for my mental health issues. I still fight this after a little more than a year of being called crazy without them saying it out loud. Nice to be heard these days.
I hope that my story though a little broken up and kinda just flowing out is taken to heart that I have several health problems from all that help i recieved, believe me I do think it came from the meds and my stress from the worsening of my moods due to the meds as well. it is not all from that, but I bet over half are from this alone. i lost trust from my son. I have a low enough self esteem it would make a confident person feel bad. The PTSD is from past and recent past events and should not have been triggered like it was. I have to deal with feeling trauma again when i was hoping it was ok. I get looked at and called crazy by family and some professionals. I have to fight instead of feeling i am advocating for myself. Do not let it happen to you, if it does please know the fight is worth the happy smile I get on and off when I am feeling better.
RS