I received my ‘life sentence’ from a Montana psychiatrist at the tender age of 22. I was diagnosed with Bipolar because I had what he called a ‘chemical imbalance’ in my brain and would need to take medicine to treat it for the rest of my life. At the time I was struggling to deal with the aftermath of two very violent rapes. One at the age of 13, the other at 19. I trusted this psychiatrist, never questioned him, or his authority. He was educated. I was not. Due to severe side effects, adverse reactions, and constant withdrawal symptoms from ALL the psychiatric drugs approximately 75 over time) I became ‘stuck’ in the revolving door of psychiatric hospitals, emergency rooms, ICU’s, and jails for the next 35 years from psychiatric drug- induced: mania’s, crippling depressions to the point of at least 15 suicide attempts – 2 resulting in coma, Klonopin induced anxiety developing into chronic panic attacks and finally full-blown agoraphobia when I’ve never experienced this before, excruciating migraines, self-hatred, social isolation, increased alcohol use to combat the akathesia, the loss of self, anger, rage, and violence. And then my Mental Healthcare workers told me it was ‘just fine’ to cold turkey from my Klonopin after 10+ years of use never mentioning one single withdrawal symptom I may experience. I was left to endure the mental torture of this withdrawal at my home, alone. I developed all the classic symptoms: light, sound sensitivity, hallucinations, sweating, anxiety/panic so extreme I didn’t know the human mind could tolerate it or survive, heart palpitations, no sleep for 5 continuous days, psychosis so severe that I had no contact with Reality (at all) as I once knew it and seizures. I also became catatonic. I prayed for death every second of every minute of every hour of everyday for 6 weeks. I was denied access to my psychiatrist. Protocol was through our therapist who I tried twice only to be told “No, you have to wait until your next scheduled appointment”. I told her I wasn’t going to last that long, and I didn’t. Due to the extreme psychosis I ended up in the psyche hospital and then the ER after being in this anxiety/pure panic/psychotic state of mind with no sleep for five continuous days my body began shaking uncontrollably and I didn’t know how to get it to stop. I later filed a ‘Recipients’ Rights’ case against them for ‘neglect of care’ which was DENIED because I signed a simple one-page Klonopin consent form the year before that didn’t list any withdrawal symptoms. Because my Mental Healthcare wouldn’t help me determine ‘what the hell I just went through for 6 long horrific, torturous weeks’ (my K-pin withdrawal – 50 symptoms) if it was Benzodiazepine withdrawal or Serotonin Syndrome I decided to get off my Effexor, Trazodone, & Lithium because I knew I would never, ever survive another ‘what ever that was’ again,and I believed it could be nowhere near as traumatic as my K-pin withdrawal. I was very wrong. Still no mention of withdrawal symptoms from workers I saw every week. Once again, the classic symptoms introduced
themselves: brain zaps, severe flu like symptoms, every muscle in my being ached, chronic insomnia (2 hrs of sleep a night for 5 months. When I was able to sleep it was only terrifying nightmares.) the ungodly uncontrollable mental anguish of the ‘crying spells’ that pharmaceutical companies downplay for 5 long months, suicidality, mania, depression, compulsive-obsessive thinking, anger, rage, violence along with a host of other symptoms, but this is the most horrifying symptom I developed – homicidality. I sat at my kitchen table for months planning out this mass shooting that I knew I was going to die in. In fact, in my psychotic mind, it was not only OK, it was expected. I was a 57 year old grandmother of 9 grandchildren at the time. I should not have to know what it feels like to become a killer, let alone a mass killer. My brain became so impaired, disabled, and ragefully psychotic from these withdrawals that it’s a miracle I didn’t find a gun. I did put myself in a psychiatric hospital because of this where I begged them to treat me without using psychiatric drugs, only they didn’t see it that way. I was ‘Court Ordered’ to take Risperdal, Cogentin, Neurontin & Ambien and in this drug induced mental state my house burns to the ground and I’m left homeless. It’s been 2 1/2 years since my Klonopin withdrawal. 1 1/2 years since my Effexor, Trazodone & Lithium withdrawal so I’m off ALL psychiatric drugs although I do have extensive cognitive impairment, but I have my own feelings, thoughts and behaviors back. I literally started my life over at the age of 57. I am now 59. And isn’t it amazing that since I stopped taking my medicine the revolving door into the psych hospitals, ER, the Intensive Care Units and jails has miraculously stopped – completely. Our psychiatrists have no idea how we suffer at their hands. They refuse to acknowledge us, listen to us, or even believe what we tell them because, after all, according to them, “What do we know? We’re mentally ill.”
Sandra